Archive for the ‘Booze’ Category

Wagon? What wagon?

Yesterday I had a few drinks.  Scandalous, I know.  But this isn’t one of those “I fell off the wagon, now I have to give back my pin *sob*!” kind of things.  In truth, I have been planning this for some time.  I went to a friend’s barbecue & planned to have a couple of beers.  For lots of reasons.  Some of the people there knew that I was an enthusiastic drinker & would have asked some uncomfortable questions if I stuck with the diet coke.  Also, Nick was planning to have a few & I would have found it hard to abstain.  But mostly, a barbecue is a perfectly acceptable venue in which to have a couple of beers.  So I did.  And the sky didn’t fall.  I didn’t make an ass of myself.  Nothing bad happened.

Also, I think it was an important part of the process.  After almost 2 weeks of sobriety, I had built the booze up in my head to this island of paradise from which I’d been exiled.  But, having had a couple of drinks, I found it didn’t meet my expectations.  It just didn’t seem all that interesting.  So, when we got home, I had a couple more drinks.  I know how this sounds.  But I was trying to see what I had liked so much for all these years.  What kept me coming back day after day.  I felt fuzzy-headed and dull and oddly…discontent.  Like after all the buildup, I felt cheated.  Like I might as well just skip it.

So this morning I woke up with a hangover and the feeling that it was all just a waste of calories.  Most importantly, it isn’t this lofty untouchable privilege I resent having taken away.  It’s just…another bad choice, another counter productive way to stave off boredom.  Another self-destructive crutch to keep me from fully engaging in the world at large.  And I won’t spend another evening in mourning for it.  I probably will have a drink or two in the future, on my birthday or at a 4th of July party or something.  But I won’t spend every weekday evening longing for it.  And I think that’s an important part of this little journey.

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